PART EIGHT – Day 888 to Victory (cont.)

Particle – Jonathan Asks About the Sabbath

On November 21, 1999, as Jonathan and I sat reading Exodus 20, he asked me why we didn’t keep the Sabbath. I didn’t feel at peace about any answer I gave him. Why? I found myself getting into a sort of confusing defense against keeping the seventh day, the Fourth Commandment. I also had to reason with him about keeping another day, Sunday. I was confounded by man’s theology, and it wasn’t making sense while trying to answer a child’s simple question.

Particle – Haste Is Never Necessary

One of the things I have learned is that there’s never need for rushing; rushing always accomplishes the opposite of what is intended. Haste indeed makes waste and “he that hastes with his feet sins.” Haste is bred of unbelief. God is never in a hurry. So many things continue in desperate condition and it seems God does nothing about it… until the time. There’s never a need to hurry, unless He says so, and He rarely if ever does.

Particle – A Fire Played With

Marilyn and Sean are playing with fire, and already they’re burning. The fire grows and spreads, and is capable of burning everyone, given time, nobody exempt. That’s how it works; the heat is felt by all who are nearby to varying degrees according to their proximity.

It’s not easy to stand outside, watching a home burn with family inside, being told to let it happen. I take it by faith that this fire is a purifying one, which will bring only good in the end for all.

Particle – Where Did It All Start?

Where did all this trouble start? I’m not sure. Somewhere, I began to abdicate my responsibility as head of the wife. I, in the name of consensus, witness, and godly agreement, reduced myself to seeking answers from the Lord via Marilyn. I made her my head and all the burden fell on her. Satan was then able to come in and deceive her, as he deceived Eve.

I believe this began at Camp Caroline in 1976 when Ernie Chadwick questioned us on a plan I had. He asked if Marilyn was in agreement. Then, after suffering the Westlock chastening in 1981-82, knowing that Marilyn had not been in agreement with me to go there, I decided I wouldn’t dare make another move unless she agreed. There it was; she took the lead from there.

I wasn’t receiving confirmation that way, I was seeking signs, the difference being that confirmations come after obedience and signs are sought before. I did her great injustice and now pay the price.

Particle – Standing on the Law of God

It should be simple enough to see the plain directions of the Bible concerning Sean and Marilyn’s conduct. They were defying God’s Laws. It is common in evangelical circles to forsake the Law of God as “Old Testament,” or “for Jews only,” something Jesus was supposed to have done away with. But reason would dictate that He wouldn’t want us to feel free to murder or steal or worship other gods or commit adultery, simply because He died on the cross and paid for our sins. Had He not called on us to repent? Had He not said that not one jot or tittle of the Law would be done away? Had He not said, “Be perfect, even as your Father in Heaven is perfect”? Did He not say, “Sin no more, lest something worse befall you”? Surely.

So how could Marilyn and Sean blatantly disregard the Word of God that plainly spoke against adultery, calling for wives to submit to husbands and for all to submit to His authorities, be they elders, teachers, pastors, or whatever? I spent a day directing them all to the Word of God and its validity. It seemed to go nowhere. The reaction seemed to be, “Well, yes, we know what you’re saying and what the Bible is saying, but God is doing something here and we have to go with that.” What could I do? I wasn’t preaching to the converted, that’s for sure. If I couldn’t receive agreement from them on the authority of Scripture, what was I to do?

Particle – Lois’ Prophecy: A Fresh Breeze

On the morning of November 29th, Lois heard the words: “There is a fresh breeze blowing over the land today. Put away your doubts, put away your fears, and praise Me, praise Me, praise Me.”

Particle – Reesor and the Benson Estate

Howard appointed lawyer Carol Reesor as executrix of his estate. She was inexperienced in dealing with financial matters such as the disposing of an estate the nature of Howard’s, and it was costing the heirs tens of thousands of dollars. It was a grinding thing to witness. Why did she not hand it over to Mark and Trevor to do as they saw fit, seeing they were the heirs anyway? She could have saved herself much trouble and them much cost. Could it be she wanted to milk the estate for all she could get? Did she not know what she was doing? There could also be another reason:

I could feel her contempt toward us and perhaps toward me in particular. Carol knew Howard didn’t wish to see any of his money go to Lois or to his sons if they were associated with me. She deemed us to be Howard’s enemies and blamed me for “taking” his sons. Nobody dreamed that his youngest son, Jason, to whom he would have left the entire estate, would disqualify himself as heir by patricide.

Carol was no doubt regretful she had suggested to Howard that he reinstate Trevor and Mark as heirs after Howard met up with Trevor when Trevor was no longer with us. Howard had excluded Trevor and Mark because of their association with me.

It was evident Carol didn’t wish to make it easy for us. In my estimation, her approach of dispersal of the estate was highly costly and wasteful and there was nothing we could do about it. She held the reins as executrix to what was legally Mark’s and Trevor’s. The situation was aggravating, so we decided to hire another lawyer to fight her. Howard Heil of Lethbridge took on the case, and while it would cost us several more thousands of dollars, we hoped the expensive legal tourniquet would stop the bloodletting before all life was drained from the estate.

All the time, I was wondering, “Do believers get involved in these things? Are we not hypocrites for fighting the heathen for mammon?” But just as I was moved to fight Ray Spencer and Sunwest Cabinets in 1984, we knew we needed to do this. We couldn’t peacefully let it go by.

Particle – Risky Reasoning with Reesor

I realized I perhaps should have talked to Carol Reesor about her enmity with me. I could have done it when we met with her at the cabin at Ferintosh. I should have called on her to explain her enmity when she wrote us a rude, combative letter. Instead, we assumed there was nothing to be done, not considering she hadn’t even heard our side of the story, only Howard’s.

Why didn’t I? I was fearful of confrontation, hesitant to bring things into the open, not because ashamed of where we stood or what we did (or was I?), but rather because experience generally taught us there was no use in talking to unbelievers. They invariably remained intransigent in their perspective and attitude. If anything, when we expressed our side, it only got worse, understandably so seeing the world is naturally at enmity with God. To Carol, we were a religious cult, as labeled by Howard, not worth the time or attention to be given any regard whatsoever; at least that’s the way she treated us. Still, I concluded that something should be said to her.

Particle – A New Day Approaching

On December 3, 1999, I told Marilyn I felt that we were on the verge of a new day, a significant and great change, from learning and preparation and focus on ourselves and our troubles to that of reaching out to others in their troubles.

Heretofore, the Lord was exposing our corruption to us, and we were in pain due to the purging. The wrongs we saw in others were shown to be in us (Romans 2:1). It wasn’t enough that we should discern between good and evil. We needed to be corrected, purged, disciplined, chastened, and prepared as vessels meet for the Master’s use.

And what was His will in all of this? It was that by us He would reach out to the rest of creation for redemption. I believed that work was here at the door.

Particle – Bill Roycroft and Lethbridge Christian Tabernacle

I had heard many pleasant things of Bill Roycroft, pastor of Lethbridge Christian Tabernacle. One party speaking glowingly of him was Marcia Hagedorn, new owners of land near us at Moon River. I decided to pay Mr. Roycroft’s congregation a visit at an evening service, taking Sean with me.

What I saw there was all the spoken and visual trappings of the religious harlot system – all mush, superstition, pagan custom, pleasure, error, and more mush. Christmas decorations were throughout the auditorium; works were promoted, and Bill’s message was one of entertainment (Marcia’s husband, Dave, did say Bill was an entertainer), lots of fluff and no meat.

I had written some papers I thought were harsh, namely That Devilish Spirit of Christmas and The Case for Coming Out. Lois, Marilyn, Sean and others disagreed they were harsh. As we stood in the service at the Tabernacle, it was as though the Lord was saying to me, “Which do you want… your way or theirs?”

Seeing the harlot’s way, I saw that the gentleness and softness of man was what destroyed men. It was as if I was watching a grossly obese person laying on a bed, being spoon-fed junk food, as much of it that the obese one wanted, without having to lift a finger. I looked around and saw the people there babied and pampered to death.

While I acknowledge that there are both extremes, one of tyranny, the other of pampering, I think that in this meeting I was given to see that while what I had might seem like tyranny, it was highly preferable to the fruits I was witnessing there under Roycroft’s “compassionate” ministry. I decided that I had to be what I was and that it was God’s will.

I felt angry about what Roycroft was doing to people, but remembered the words of the Lord: “Let them alone. They are blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch” (Matthew 15:14 MKJV).

Particle – Raising Jonathan

Marilyn and I had not a few discussions on how Jonathan ought to be raised. There were complaints from those at the farm that he was selfish, disobedient, and argumentative and that he was not duly disciplined. Being the only child, he wasn’t called upon to share with others; Marilyn cooked him anything he wanted and treated him like she was his buddy, giving him almost anything he wanted (which, by the way, even buddies don’t do or ask of each other).

And what do children do? Not knowing better, they often choose treats and pampering rather than discipline. While I wanted to see more restrictions with Jonathan, Marilyn would deride me for it and often scoff and argue with me. My problem was that I knew I was cheap and rather crude in perceptions on certain social and child-rearing matters, having plainly inherited some of them from my father and family. I was also prone to having my emotions rule me in dealing with Jonathan, which is never good, so I hesitated to press my convictions.

Marilyn was plainly winning Jonathan’s affections. In some respects, she had earned them fair and square, as a mother tending to his every need, starting with breastfeeding and changing diapers, to homeschooling, to attending to his every request for attention. But I thought she wasn’t seeing things right.

Often, I rebuked Jonathan for talking back to his mother or arguing with her, while at the same time, I wondered if she wasn’t reaping what she was sowing by rebelling against, and arguing with, me.

Particle – Giving to the Poor

We receive many calls for donations from many diverse groups. When, how much, and to whom to give are questions I must frequently answer for myself. “What kind of Christian are you, not giving to the sick, the less fortunate, and those promoting good causes?” Do we wait for specific direction from the Lord or would He love for us to give freely without being told or asked to do so?

The Bible reveals that God sends judgments on people and nations in the form of famine, sword, pestilence, and wild beast. If He sends judgment, who are we to work contrary to His will? Are there not Scriptural precedents as to whom we as believers ought to give? Yes, there are, and the Lord brought them up:

“But I tell you truly, many widows were in Israel in the days of Elijah, when the heaven was shut up three years and six months, when great famine was throughout all the land. But Elijah was not sent to any of them, except to Zarephath, a city of Sidon, to a woman, a widow. And many lepers were in Israel in the time of Elisha the prophet, and none of them was cleansed except Naaman the Syrian” (Luke 4:25-27 MKJV).

At the Bethesda pool, Jesus healed but one man, though there were many (John 5). When I try to live by logic or law, I squander, flounder, and am not at peace, whether I give or withhold. If I live by the Spirit and wisdom of God, I know what I need to do.

Particle – Resolution for Marilyn’s Happiness

In this past week or two, I’ve felt like I don’t want to stand in the way of Marilyn’s happiness, or Sean’s for that matter. If they love each other and would be fulfilled in each other, I don’t want to oppose it. Whether it’s right or not, whether God wants it or not, I don’t discuss here now. I only say that I am settled with letting those two marry if they choose, even if I’m alive and present.

I marvel at the place I’ve come to. There’s no way I could have said this or felt this way a short while ago. I told Marilyn this today. She wanted me to tell the others at the farm, so I did. There was no comment.

Years ago, Marilyn told me she and Sean would have a conjugal love she and I never had. Today I see that we never had it. I had always felt coerced into marriage, never loved her, and subconsciously resented her. Even on the first day of receiving the Spirit, I was annoyed with her. After being healed of grouchy mornings, I recall still complaining to men in Canmore in 1976 that I was always angry and arguing with Marilyn (I was seeking counsel of them in this matter and they had none for me). To this day, she can ‘t please me. Why?

I think the answer is we were never meant for each other; our marriage has been hell. Though Marilyn said she heard from God that I would be her husband, I think she was hearing what she wanted to hear, and there’s a difference between “would” and “should.” I heard nothing. I allowed Arlie’s proposal to push me into a marriage not of my true desire. We have both paid a fearful price for it.

Marilyn said that within the first month of our marriage, she was disillusioned and disappointed. Why not? We have always been at odds. It was never a marriage “made in Heaven” as people are reputed to know it. If these things are true, aren’t we in fornication? Therefore, don’t we have a legitimate basis under God for divorce?

No wonder she’s bitter! No wonder that, in my solitude, I have discovered peace and freedom I didn’t realize I had lost in marriage to her. Henry Blackaby, being our pastor, might have realized we weren’t meant to be married if we had sought his counseling. He might have sensed or plainly known that I didn’t have what was needed for a healthy marital relationship with Marilyn.

Ironically, we just received a card from my mother and a cash gift in honor of “25 years of love and partnership.” There has been no love and certainly no partnership. As Marilyn said, “We have never worked together.” Sean once had a vision of a person all beat up, representing us. We have lived a life (or death) of beating each other, of bitterness, resentment, and hatred.

What now? What about Jonathan? I guess I have to let him go. Where do I go? What do I do? Do we divorce? Is this strong delusion?

Particle – Another Visit from Mills

Les Mills came around for a six-hour visit. He told me the Ogdens had turned against him and Gene Knorr had never run into anyone like me before and didn’t know what to do, so he washed his hands of me altogether. Les admitted he had been deaf as an adder, unwisely running around and seeing people, and said he was starting to see and hear some of what I have been saying to them.

Particle – Reflections on Mills ‘ Visit

I can’t seem to think on my feet – never could. It takes time for me to realize the truth of things. The day after Les’ visit, I contemplated the conversation. He said he had never been at enmity with me, but here are some points to contradict him:

1. He accused me of cursing him in saying, “Stay away from Barny,” when it was a warning.
2. He suggested I was schizophrenic or had mental problems.
3. He accused me of holding out on pay due to Gene for work at the farm.
4. He accused me of enmity toward Gord Fuller.
5. He confided my words to his nephew as though he were a Christian brother, which he wasn’t.
6. He rejected my words of likening him to Onan, spilling his seed everywhere.
7. He rejected my illustration of the horse-breaking.
8. He negatively questioned, even criticized, the separation between my brother Archie and us, without the facts.
9. He opened the last letter without permission, contrary to my request that he not open it until arriving to talk.
10. He continued to run around, unbroken, unsubmissive, as though I didn’t stand in the Lord as an emissary to him.
11. He sided and sympathized with Gene, who bitterly retaliated against me repeatedly.
12. He gave credibility to Barny’s evil reports of me. Barny asked around town and received slanderous rumors from my enemies.
13. He accused my words of being unjustified products of pain from my situation.
14. He believed Penny’s dream that I had no authority in the Lord with them.
15. He refused to believe my refutation of the lies told about me.

Enmity comes as direct, obvious confrontation or secret deliberate opposition. Enmity also comes in the form of passivity. “He that gathers not with Me scatters abroad,” said Jesus. Is there someone there who won’t help or stand with you or care in a matter of any consequence? That is enmity.

Enmity comes as unbelief; it essentially calls truth a lie and the truth-speaker a liar. Why were the children of Israel overthrown in the wilderness? Because they didn’t believe. They murmured against God and His servants, Moses and Aaron, and went whoring after other gods. They didn’t believe Almighty God Who did such great things for them in their sight. They called Him a liar.

Particle – Great Turmoil at Farm

On December 17th, Lois called and said she received that God had put that love in Sean and Marilyn for each other and there was no changing it. She was crying, fearful, and depressed. They were all anxious, depressed, and defeated. There was constant strife and dissension.

Trevor said he was on the verge of packing it in, and Marilyn said she received that Lois and Trevor wouldn’t be at the farm much longer. If this love between Marilyn and Sean was of God, why all the troubling? Ought there not to be rejoicing at love God has created?

Meanwhile, I was experiencing submission to God’s will and a degree of victory, revelation, and understanding of things, though I was powerless to do anything for them.

Particle – Sean Prevails

On the 20th, Marilyn was very upset with Sean because he promised to call and talk to me on the weekend and didn’t (I don’t know what about). However, several have been the times when he was right upset with others for not fulfilling their promises or duties, particularly to him. I heard he was very intolerant of others’ faults, not considering his own. Sean complained about being left in the dark about things, yet he left me in the dark about so very much more. Lois coined words to describe his attitude: “You do as I tell you, and I’ll do as I please.”

I called Sean, stirred up by Marilyn in anger with him. He didn’t remember making that promise to Marilyn. I called him a hypocrite. He calmly explained the whole situation and compelled me to apologize by his report.

I perceived that while I was out to get things right (law), Sean was out to get the people right (love). I’d gotten after them for this world’s good, but he for their souls’ good. He loved, but I had never loved.

In the last few days, Lois and Trevor submitted to Sean. They had resisted him for my sake, focusing on me. Sean expected me to be taken physically, especially in light of the happenings in the previous few days. All was transferred to him – possessions, honor, respect, authority, submission, and my family.

Particle – Will the Real Culprit Please Stand Up?

How I bounce back and forth from one frame of mind to another, from one place to the opposite in thinking and perception! Sean received words in the night, having asked the Lord what was going on with me. He received that my life here on earth was a preparatory one for the next world.

I see Sean as the culprit. He knows no boundaries, ever ready to usurp. I see Marilyn as the culprit, fretting selfishly and stirring up anger in me. I see myself as the culprit, the anti-Christ, serving myself, mammon, and law. I’m in darkness and don’t know what to believe about anything.

A great battle ensued with Marilyn, which grew out of a conversation I had with Sean last night, wherein he admitted no guilt or shame over all that was happening. He also confessed to having seminal issues as a result of fantasizing sexually about Marilyn. He said he felt no guilt about such fantasies of her he had a few years ago and he feels no guilt now.

Sean and Marilyn each justify themselves in these things and don’t believe the Scriptures. If they’re right, then Marilyn and I are wrong living together and should part. It is strong delusion or I am dead in God’s sight already.

Sean sees himself taking all. If the Lord is behind it, all power to him; if not, the Lord will deal with him. Till then, I’m powerless and must let it happen. Marilyn wants it. It seems that what is happening to us right now is worded here:

“Then they will deliver you up to be afflicted and will kill you. And you will be hated of all nations for My Name’s sake. And then many will be offended, and will betray one another, and will hate one another. And many false prophets will rise and deceive many. And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many will become cold” (Matthew 24:9-12 MKJV).

There is betrayal, hatred, and love grown cold because of lawlessness. There is a falling away, as Paul wrote in 2 Thessalonians 2.

Particle – Times To Determine an End

The number forty signifies the end of flesh. Day 1200 of Marilyn’s prophecy would be 40 months, if we use Hebrew months of 30 days each. This would fall on January 7, 2000. If we take months as they come, the day will be January 24th. If we go not 40 months, but 3 ½ years, we go to either Day 1260 (March 7 by Hebrew measurement) or Day 1277 (March 24 by months of the Gentile calendar).

We have surmised, guessed, speculated, and opined on dates, and indeed there have been things happening, but when will it all really conclude, eliminating guesswork and doubt? When will all needful things be revealed to settle everything for us? How much longer will this guessing and speculation go on? How silly it is! Weren’t we warned to not go there?

Particle – Harry and Alice Koppert

A new family in Moon River came by, going door-to-door, introducing themselves, wishing us a “Merry Christmas,” and leaving Scripture verses printed to be hung on the wall. We had met the Kopperts in 1996 at the farm when they came picking strawberries. I had a one-hour talk with them and got nowhere, apparently. Harry was very narrow-minded and self-righteous.

He refused my offer of a paper on Christmas, saying I was arrogant in other writings I had given him when we first met. I presume he thought I was arrogant because I wrote forthrightly, without apology. What I was saying was not merely opinion and was not up for discussion or debate.

What would befall Harry Koppert? It would be tragic and sad.

Particle – Arrogance

What is arrogance? Is it arrogant to be sure of something? If I know something for certain and declare it, am I therefore arrogant? Am I to be disingenuous, pretending not to know, feigning humility and objectivity? Just because I know something and tell it as I know it, does it necessarily mean I think I’m better than someone else? Does a parent always have to appear to give an opinion to a child or a teacher to a student instead of stating things as they are? Must we act as though nothing can be known for sure or assume that nothing can be known for sure?

Can’t speaking with legitimate authority be mistaken for arrogance? I have no doubt Jesus’ enemies perceived Him as arrogant when He said, “I am the Bread from Heaven,” “I am the Light of the world,” “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life; no man can come to the Father but by Me,” “I am the Good Shepherd,” “I am the Door,” “Destroy this Temple and in three days, I will raise it up,” “I will give you living water,” “I have overcome the world” and, “Before Abraham was, I Am.”

He even said, “Yet you have not known Him, but I know Him. And if I should say I do not know Him, I would be a liar like you. But I know Him and I keep His Word” (John 8:55 MKJV).

Harry didn’t like being spoken to as though he didn’t know. He didn’t like hearing someone speak the truth as unalterable. He presumed to be the enlightened one. “How dare you talk to me that way?” the arrogant one protests. Is not arrogance a presumption of superiority without justification?

I wrote a letter to the Kopperts in response to the things we discussed and which I perceived, but didn’t send it. Should I have? I debated and asked those at the farm; they didn’t know whether I should send it, though they didn’t question my motives. I decided to leave the Kopperts to themselves and a peace came to me, perhaps because it promised no further conflict with them – something I didn’t enjoy. More likely this peace came because I determined to hear from the Lord for myself; I was refraining from seeking the will of God from men (those at the farm).

Every time I held back from speaking, I sank into confusion. “Should I or shouldn’t I?” was a common question I often struggled with. Would I ever send the letter? The time would come when I wondered if I did the right thing by withholding.

Particle – I Answer My Mother’s 25th Anniversary Gift

Over the years, my mother would send a birthday or anniversary gift. I never quite knew what to do with her gestures of goodwill because I never really believed or trusted her. This time, I was moved to write a letter, openly confessing our present circumstances after 25 years of marriage.

TO: Anne Hafichuk
FROM: Victor Hafichuk December 23, 1999

Marilyn and I discussed how we should respond to your gift and decided to accept it. I cashed it today. Tonight I began to think on it in relation to why you sent it, that is, on the occasion of our 25th wedding anniversary. I began to realize that it would not be an honest thing to accept this gift because, in fact, our marriage never made it to that milestone.

Only God knows when the breakdown began, but I suspect near the very beginning. There was always conflict. As a volcano quietly seething beneath the surface, yet smoking for all who had eyes to see, the separation began to become active in 1995 when a young man came on the scene with whom Marilyn fell in love shortly after. By 1996, it was obvious to all those around.

By 1997, before our 23rd anniversary, I gave Marilyn an ultimatum: Decide who is your husband. Unknown to me, in the next day or so, she made a public declaration to our friends that she chose the other man. I didn’t know of this until months later through one of those friends who decided to tell me when he realized I knew nothing of Marilyn’s announcement.

This volcano has spewed ashes and lava ever since. We’ve had literally hundreds of fights, one of those was physical and many close to it. Sadly, our son has been witness to most of it all and has not been the better for it, to put it mildly.

I tell you all this not because it’s any of your business or anyone else’s in your company, but because I would not want you to have the pleasure of thinking I’m trying to hide anything, as though afraid of what you might think – I’m not. I also feel that if we were to refuse your gift, perhaps it would be fair to give the reason.

I accept responsibility for the breakdown, how much of it is mine is hard to tell; perhaps all of it. To make the understatement of the millennium, I haven’t been the sweetest guy in existence. Marilyn has often said that no other woman could ever put up with me. I agree.

She still dwells with me three days of the week in a manner of speaking. It is somewhat of a schizophrenic arrangement: she suffers the peculiarity and uncomfortability of dividing herself in two directions and our social presentation has a surface appearance contrary to the facts.

She has said she would never leave me until I died, something she prophesied in 1996 would happen to me. I truly believed the prophecy and fully expected to be long gone by now (we all expected it and some even hoped), but I’m still here though often wishing I was gone. Perhaps that would be too easy for one deserving of pain, sorrow, and humiliation. However, for all I know, it could happen any day.

But I see cracks in the foundation of her conviction that we should remain together until “death do us part.” Losing hope that I may not be gone soon enough, her resolve weakens and, truly, I’ve been encouraging her to leave me seeing as how she loves another and not me. She now considers it. The hour draws near. Because our son has a special relationship with Marilyn, I will lose him, too. It’s inevitable.

Perhaps you could all get together over this news, if in fact you haven’t already heard, and celebrate. Celebrate at the downfall of this “man of God” who so tormented you in all his delusion, preaching up a storm but suffering the fruits of a devil. Enjoy this occasion. Laugh and kick up your heels. It’s party time! “Hypocrite! He’s got his up ‘n comings at long last! Took awhile but it was well worth waiting for.”

Indeed, God is not mocked. I know firsthand. Whatsoever a man sows, that shall he surely reap.

“He that is greedy of gain troubles his house,” and, “He that troubles his house inherits the wind.” Solomon spoke these words out of the wisdom of God. So it is.

Particle – Total Confusion

I had a terrible night. Though anxious feelings were gone, I was in darkness, not knowing good from evil, right from wrong, my righteousness from the Lord’s, law from grace, left from right, light from darkness, or true from false. I experienced enormous guilt from the past dealings with people, particularly Archie’s family. When I sank into doubt, I began to question everything, past, present, and future, near and far, physical and spiritual.

Les called, and I confided to him that I have had many battles and just had a terrible one within. I even debated sharing the Koppert letter with him and telling him I didn’t send it and why, though I don’t know that I knew the real reason.

Particle – Spiritual Authority

Les, Gene, and Mark Ogden all denounced the validity of men having spiritual authority over others. They caused me to doubt what the Lord had taught me about it over the years. They made me suspect myself of being a veritable tyrant.

Sean was pressing to talk to me so he finally came out on December 26th and we spent eight hours talking. During the process, I came to realize that much of my darkness and confusion was because I was doubting spiritual authority and not exercising it as I ought.

Les and Gene were reading Preston Eby, David Ebaugh, Elwin Roach, and E. E. Brooks. I had red their writings. These writers also denounced men having spiritual authority with others. That is like saying children have equal authority with parents, wives with husbands, students with teachers, apprentices with masters, prisoners with wardens, and employees with employers. Jesus should have gone and gotten His own donkey and tax money. He should have said to His disciples, “I’ll follow you as you follow Me.” The apostles should have the authority to appoint their Master, the Messiah. Paul should have said, “I’ll be your followers and you be followers of me.”

The writers I mention taught against what is orderly, necessary, and right because they, in their pride, long ago rejected legitimate authority in their lives and despised the godly submission required of every saint.

I realized another thing for the first time. I had so depended on Marilyn for counsel and help in decision-making. It was entirely unbelieving and unfair of me to do so. She wasn’t meant to handle battles; women aren’t meant to be on the front lines, facing the enemy. Look at the mess we’re in because Eve took it upon herself to make the decision to eat of the forbidden fruit and because Adam didn’t exercise his authority or discretion and refrain from following his wife. Yet, these things had to happen. It was all part of The Plan.

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