My introduction

[Adam Edh]

I was born in Sweden, in the year of 1992. Early on, I was called a "gifted" child. As a kid, I would frequently ponder one particular question that I couldn't get out of my head, no matter how I tried: "Why is there something rather than nothing?". I just couldn't fathom how it could be that anything whatsoever existed, and particularly, why this that in fact does exist is so, and not any of the myriad other a priori possible worlds.

Due to various circumstances, I developed a strongly defiant and manipulative personality. My father was highly demanding of academic achievement, when I would rather explore my own interests and have fun. I learned by experience that I could use subtlety to get what I wanted, and foolishly thought that by doing this, I could ensure the authority and resources to help others. I was (and am, to some extent) highly self-centered, but I also had a lot of pity and tears in me for all the suffering that I saw, and now see all the more, around me.

With time, I became a target of bullying. It took me many, many years to get out of my victim mindset, and I now cry almost every day in utter disgust of how I have acted. I could lie, steal, and hate without any repentance whatsoever, because I thought myself justified in my own devices. I was never one to murder (externally) or do those things that people in general consider hellishly awful, but a terrible person I was (and am) nonetheless.

I was destined for failure. Excess wealth and comfort made me lazy and negligent, and I cursed my parents for trying to correct my ways. I tried education, but it seemed so empty, and I was (and am) very insecure, defensive of my "intellect".

While I would frequently fantasize about various sexual exploits and having lovers, I was always too introverted and "odd" to actually take the step, though some women were clearly quite interested in me. I also suffered my share of unrequited love, but now I see, in retrospect, that those few loves were all purely carnal and self-serving.

In my late teens, I became interested in various occult teachings, beginning with Plato and progressing through the likes of Julius Evola, René Guénon, Zoroastrianism, "intellectual" Norse paganism, and whatnot. All that was "mystical" and promised foreknowledge, power, and glory. I also used hallucinogenic drugs, but never with the express purpose of contacting "the spirit realm", and I never actually (to my knowledge, at any rate) engaged in occult ritualism.

One thing lead to another, and I ended up fascinated with Scholastic philosophy. Aristotle, Thomas Aquinas, Duns Scotus, and those guys. Eventually, I was contemplating converting to Catholicism, as I had come to believe in the legitimate Godhood of Jesus Christ (at this point, I uncritically accepted Trinitarianism and the "orthodoxy" of the Church, finding myself defending the excommunication of Origen of Alexandria and others who preached the restoration of all things). My belief was one of the intellect--based on prophetic scientific and historical evidence as well as philosophical reasoning. At this point, I began identifying as "cognitively Christian"--that is, I believed in the fact that there is an omnipotent, omniscient God, and that this God was to be found in the person of Jesus Christ.

Still, I was much more interested in my own philosophy than I was in God Himself, and it took me some time to accept as a most probable reality (not just "allegory") demons, Satan, sin, and many other tenets of faith. Eventually, I met a wonderful New World woman on the internet. A virgin, full of kindness and familial affection, with belief in God (in a Protestant sense, though she doesn't believe in "Hell"). As we grew closer and closer, I began to see clearly how awful and anti-Christian the Catholic Church really is, and came to the conclusion that many of my former idols, such as Augustine and Thomas, were probably in "Hell", having been influenced not by God per se, but rather by deceptive demons posing for such.

In a moment of mental and emotional torment, I cried out to God, asking Him to change me for the better. As soon as I had done so, I lost my desire to brag, boast, lie, do drugs, hate, and all that. I am not sinless, not by a long shot, but my sins now hurt my conscience, when before they failed to do so.

For a couple of weeks, I was in near-constant anguish as I read about Hell as is commonly envisaged, and spent all time available to me urging my parents and loved ones to "accept Jesus", alternatively thinking of ways to accomplish this monumentally important, from my POV, task more efficiently. I asked God to torment me and save my loved ones, especially the girl whom I invested all my hope and love in. Eventually, though, I came to see that such a doctrine was incompatible with the Scriptures, and The Path of Truth surely supplied the best arguments that I could find for such a position.

I asked my maker to supply me, if He so desired, with some evidence that your community is "the real deal". After I had done so, I witnessed something that I cannot rationally account for. My computer screen was illuminated with flashes of light, pulsating at a rapid but steady pace, evidently from the Sun, but defiant of coincidental explanation. I still am in doubt and pain, since I know that demons can counterfeit miracles far more profound, but when I read the writings of Victor and Paul, I feel as though I can recognise the language of God.

I am set to meet the love of my life in a week and a half. The plane tickets are booked and sealed (I am terrified of flying, but I have felt an irresistible urge to meet her). In the past, she has said that she is prepared to follow me wherever, but I am afraid to share with her what I have learned here, as she can be very firm in her beliefs. While I am presently willing to give any thing up for God, and no longer have any desire for fame and the admiration of men whatsoever (I used to be very conceited and desirous of public approval and power, though I was always an outcast of sorts), I fear to no end the prospect that I might have to leave my parents and my love behind. Part of me believes that this could be the case, but part also believes that she was sent to save me from my more blatant sins and Catholic sympathies (she did), and that I am now sent to do the same for her (save her from her lukewarm attitude). The inability to know is eating me up, though I find moments of solace and comfort in my strong belief in the eventual restitution of all things--I never found any comfort in the idea that only "the elect" would be saved, and that most were choosing (or worse yet, predestined) to be tortured forever.

In the light of predestination (not to eternal torment, but in general) I have come to a much greater acceptance of my lot, and I no longer view my suffering in entitled victimhood, but rather in terms of what I have done to cause it. I do, however, desperately want a wife, not mainly out of carnal desire for sex (I can't pretend that I don't want that as well), but out of a love that I believe transcends the flesh (I was and am prepared to suffer for her, even if she should forsake me).

I apologize if this comes off as inconsistent rambling--I am writing this in pain and distress, not in comfort. In fact, I could go on with this for much longer, but I don't want to write you a novel. I just wanted to share those issues that are the most pressing to me, and some basic facts about myself and my life.

My hobbies and interests include writing, singing, and playing music, cooking (I am drawn to organic, wholesome food), literature, and observing and tending to animals and the environment in general.

Thank you for hearing me out.

Yours truly,

Adam

[Victor Hafichuk]

Hi Adam,

Back to the beginning, are we?

There are several things that can be said here to help you. I'd first like to hear what others may have to say.

[Adam Edh]

(If you can, Victor, please merge this post with the one that is yet to be approved)

I read this entry in your book (which I very much appreciate, because it gives me a lot of hope, seeing as I am yet a total "babe" if anything--I am prepared to go through hard times, and I can't see myself being molded unto perfection yet, though I am steadily improving and finding new urges, such as getting a job instead of living off my parents' estate):

One morning I saw that God had matched up one who had an enormous problem with being or appearing wrong (Marilyn) with someone who was a strong critic, always faulting and pointing out wrongs (me). To the flesh, no worse match could be made; to God, no better. One would balance the other.

This is an interesting parallel to my relationship with the woman I love. I, a manipulative haughty bastard, came to her, a humble open book, and through a series of events was forced to face my dishonesty. If it weren't for meeting her, I should expect that I would still be exactly what I was before.

There is another side of the coin, too. She is a "prospecting" type, constantly weighing options, while I am fiercely driven to reach conclusions (my whole life has been a search, though mired in unrepentant sin, for the "ultimate truth").

Early on in our relationship (we haven't physically met yet, and we agreed to remain chaste before the proper time--suggestive flirting aside, which we are now uncomfortable with), she told me that she is on the lazy side and wants someone to "man" her, to urge her to accomplish and overcome. I cannot fail to see an interesting parallel here, which supplies me with a lot of hope--perhaps we were meant to cancel out each other's negative aspects. Still, I am afraid to take her (or anything) for granted.

[larry webb]

Hi Adam! Being told my IQ was 164 has not led me to pursue more knowledge. I have drifted through life's experiences, taking things one day at a time. Our Lord chose to give me repentance and bless me with the grace of forgiveness and forgiving. Now the teachings that our Father blessed Paul And Victor to post are bringing me out of a fog. It is a process. Knowing that God is over all is hard for most. One can know the scriptures and still not accept correction from Our Lord. He knows every hair on your head. Everything in your life is His Plan. Submit to Jesus. Yes!
Larry

[Paul Cohen]

“I fear to no end the prospect that I might have to leave my parents and my love behind.”

“I do, however, desperately want a wife, not mainly out of carnal desire for sex (I can't pretend that I don't want that as well), but out of a love that I believe transcends the flesh (I was and am prepared to suffer for her, even if she should forsake me).”

I’ve been there, Adam – you can read my testimony. There is only one love, however, that transcends the flesh, and that is the love of God we come to know through Jesus Christ. Here’s the way we enter His love:

Matthew 10:37-39 MKJV
(37) He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.
(38) And he who does not take up his cross and follow Me is not worthy of Me.
(39) He who finds his life shall lose it. And he who loses his life for My sake shall find it.

“If anyone comes to Me, and doesn’t disregard his own father, mother, wife, children, brothers, and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he can’t be My disciple. Whoever doesn’t bear his own cross, and come after Me, can’t be My disciple… Whoever of you who doesn’t renounce all that he has, he can’t be My disciple” (Luke 14:26-33 WEB).

Yes, utterly impossible for men, but as Jesus said, “The things which are impossible with men are possible with God” (Luke 18:27). Praise God, we have found Him to be true to His Word!