Confused and Searching for Truth

[Matthew Kava]

Hola, my name is Matthew Kava and I just recently came across your site in the last couple of days. I thought I was a true believer in Christ but now I'm nearly certain that Im not. Please let me elaborate, I am 28 years old and live in Minnesota, was adopted when I was 2 and raised in a "Christian" home and grew up going to church (Nazarene, then a Charismatic church).

I am realizing that I have been believing lies (struggling with lying, and with crossdressing/"transgender" desires, as well as sexual immorality masturbating, had sex outside of marriage, thievery, drugs etc. A few years ago I came across a Christian radio channel 88.1 CSN (the Christian Satellite Network) and was listening to a program called Cross the Bridge by David McGee and at the end of the program there was an opportunity to pray to receive Christ and I prayed and nothing spectacular happened.

That was in June 2011 I think, and the next few months were amazing for me I began to read the Bible and most of it didn't make sense but I was being brought repeatedly to Proverbs and the importance of the Fear of the Lord and my need for wisdom. I was trying to tell people about Jesus and repent and live for him as best I could at that time. I lost some friends and I think my family thought i was crazy.

Between 2011 and 2017 currently I have had a handful of experiences that I cannot explain, one such instance was I had almost 300.00 worth of bills to pay and I remembered that I was supposed to give to god 1st and I did and knew that I wouldn't have enough to pay my bills if I tithed. I think my paycheck was only 250/60 dollars and i went to pay my rent, phone bill, and needed new tabs for my car which totaled up too 292 together.

Paid my rent and phone and had exactly 42.00 left for tabs and it blew my mind and scared me because that transcends physical laws.

Another time I went out to check on my horse at night around 8ish in mid winter and while I was looking at the clear beautiful night sky looking at the stars and something strange happened.

My vision became distorted and went from normal to grey/black like a silhouette so I could make out the rough shapes of things (trees, horse, fence... ect.) And a star came down weaving slowly and stopped above a storage unit and for a fraction of a second I saw what appeared to be the shape of a "man" holding a lantern and the star was the light of the lantern.

And then things went blurry again and the star started going back up to the night sky and I didn't know what was happening so I asked Jesus is that you, and the star stopped and then my vision returned to normal. I was sober, no drugs, and had eaten supper. I'm sorry for the ranting I'm quite sure that Im not saved truly, and I have a lot of questions and I wonder if those experiences were from Jesus or not, and whether or not I am confused as to what to do.

Am I asking the right questions, or not? One last story quickly I was at church (Charismatic) and during or right after church i can't recall a little girl maybe 4 or 5 came up to me as I was sitting at a table and she told me that Satan was in church and I was stupefied by that and also said that I know you by your voice. Then we ran around the church and played for a few minutes. I didn't know her before that and I was confused as to whether or not god was speaking to me specifically through her.

At that time I was trying to live for Jesus and give him everything. Those 3 experiences make me question if I have truly died to self and followed Jesus. I would like to know what your thoughts are on these matters. How can I get clarification?

Lately in the little bit of reading I have been reading in the ot prophets Ezekiel, Isaiah, Amos ect. About spiritual adultery and pride, lying and am starting to learn that Im no different than the Israelites that half heartedly followed god. I feel like a dead fraud and don't know if god wants to save me or if it's to late for me to repent and turn to Jesus. Thanks for your time and response even if it's harsh and hurtful it's necessary to be rebuked even though I may not enjoy it.

Matthew kava

[Matthew Kava]

I noticed this morning that I am blind and how stubborn and independent I am, I also am filled with fear which is also not good, so I think I have my answer as to whether I'm saved or not. Still going to keep reading the Bible and hope to hear and learn. Thanks for the answer when it comes.

[Victor Hafichuk]

Matthew, the Lord will honor any step you take toward Him. He honors those who honor Him.

He will deliver you from all your fears, not at once by any means but ultimately, step by step:

Isaiah 28:7-10 KJV
(7) But they also have erred through wine, and through strong drink are out of the way; the priest and the prophet have erred through strong drink, they are swallowed up of wine, they are out of the way through strong drink; they err in vision, they stumble in judgment.
(8) For all tables are full of vomit and filthiness, so that there is no place clean.
(9) Whom shall He teach knowledge? and whom shall He make to understand doctrine? them that are weaned from the milk, and drawn from the breasts.
(10) For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little....

Yes, read the Scriptures, seek after the Lord, and read what He has provided generously for you at His and our site. That's why He has brought you here. Be thankful.

[Matthew Kava]

I will continue to read in the Bible and pray (something I dont hardly do, I have been so blinded by my own pride and self righteousness that i am attempting to be as Frank as possible here, I have been relying on myself to ultimately save myself from my sins. So I think my motive for wanting to be saved is for self preservation and that is not at all good and is sin.


I have been reading obsessively on the website and am finding that the more I try to digest the more I really don't understand. My mind is blown with trying to understand how to be saved, true and false teaching, faith, and a whole host of other things. I am deeply distressed inside (so that would be my spirit?) over these things but, in time I am hopefully assuming that Jesus will correct me in truth. I will pray for deliverance from self righteousness and the opening of my eyes tonight if God will hear it's ultimately up to him. Thanks for those verses I'll look them up and read as well when able.