Prayer and family matters

[Jennifer]

I just read your testimony. Years ago I read a testimony from a man, who said Jesus Christ comes in the Flesh. I don't remember exactly how he explained it but he said it happened.

I am an almost 39 year old woman. I have been seeking God all my life raised a baptist, bible colleges and I feel failing to devote my heart to him fully every step of the way. I have asked him to remember me, to keep me to change me, and I am the worst! I have asked him to make me Israel, his bride the 144,000 the wise virgin before I was old enough to even know what I was asking. I prayed that if ever I was in a situation like the Hebrews in the Old Testament that I would have the spirit to tear down the ashter poles. I know I am a bad person, I have always known even at 6 years old when my 4 year old brother said the sinners prayer that I was really bad because I had no natural desire to be a Christian like he did I was embarrassed my heart was so rotten not like everyone else that seemed to be rainbows and doves. I have been angry art Christians but never blamed God and have had enough sense to know the only way I will endure until the end is if I cling to the hope that he will not let Satan snatch me from his hands, he will finish what he started in me and he will not lose one.

I left the church formally over 10 years ago after years of backsliding and returning. I listen to different teachers and glean what I can.

I am married 3.5 years to a man that was converted before we were married. He is from Nicaragua. We married in Nicaragua and I conceived within 2 weeks. I traveled back to my home in Canada and had our son.
I have been back and forth from Canada and nicaragua over the past 3.5years. We are currently in the process of waiting on Canadian Immigration to see if my husband will be allowed into Canada as a permanent resident. We now have a 2 1/2 year old son and an 8 month old son. I currently live in Nicaragua with my husband but am still employed at my Canadian Job.

When I returned to Canada during my first pregnancy at my husbands request a "missionary" evangelical pastor to nicaragua took my husband under his wing and deceived him. Before they met Luis was hungry for the word and had a dramatic conversion. He was hungry and studying daily When I returned, he was dead eyed,he let the pastor take headship and believed the whole if their is nothing we can do to earn Salvation their is nothing we can do to lose it, I am Gods favourite is the church catch phrase.

When I suggested reading scripture together upon my return to the rural fishing village in Nicaragua with my newborn baby, the pastor had even convinced my husband that the sermon on the mount was just for those people at that time mainly when Jesus said to keep his commandments.

Fast forward 2 years. I am living in a rural fishing village in Nicaragua. I am alone. My husband is happy to dwell with me, but has little desire to pursue Gods word. I have 2 babies. I fellowship with no one who I know of that really pursues or knows God.

I don't celebrate the pagan holidays. I rest the best I can on Sabbath. I wear tzitzits and eat clean, I have just started talking to a family that runs an orphanage near here. I took their kids for a meal and to a movie last week and during dinner the woman and I began to talk. We started conversing about the feasts. I was excited to have someone to talk to. I realized they are 7th day Adventists, and are likely trying to teach me, she is curious about the feasts and gave me 2 books to look at and after reading through I ended up somehow on your page. My husband and I also plan to go to Costa Rica next month to celebrate Sukkot with other believers. My husband respects my beliefs and goes through the motions for our kids and he watches me but we don't talk. I am very surprised he is willing to go to Costa Rica with me for Sukkot.

I am not sure I have ever been filled with the spirit because I have never had a momentous experience where I am like wow that's it!!! But I want it. I have already tasted the sting of rejection by my family.

2 years ago I had some really intense episode I don't know what it was and want to share. I am hoping for guidance, prayer from a fellow believer who might be able to discern some of what I went through.

It was 10 months after I had my son. I was in Nicaragua I was alone my husband and I were fighting. I was desperate. I had got involved with a Hebrew roots internet group that was really intense and dogmatic. They basically were at me that if I could not spend 5/6 hours 4-5 times a week plus all sabbath with them I was insincere. They also told me I needed to reject my former baptism in the name of Jesus and be rebaptised in the name of Yeshua Hamashiac. I was tired I had an angry husband and a 10 month old baby that didn't sleep much. I actually went to the estuary behind my house and reimersed myself with this internet group witnessing via phone. My total time talking with these folks was about 10 days. I was tired, lonely, in a foreign country, with a new culture I do not speak fluent Spanish I was alone. And I husband whom I dreamed of sharing the walk with no longer had any desire to follow God or even search the scriptures or pray.

That night while on my like 10th hour that day with this group they said they felt their was a strange spirit in the group and everyone was uneasy. They prayed that everyone that was of one spirit with them would have a sound sleep. I desperately needed it. That night Of Thursday was the first of the next 5 nights I did not sleep.

I was perplexed that I was not blessed with the sound sleep. I was so desperate, for something, God, an answer I needed to know if I was going the right way.

The last conversation with that man that led the group, was me telling him that I thought that the Jesus Christ that most churches teach about is the Anti Christ who has set himself up and declared himself God in the temple of our hearts but he is a liar. That was Friday night I believe. That man agreed with me.

Sabbath I packed my babies bag went out to the back of my house sat on a bench facing the estuary by where we live. I had a prayer shall. And my baby. And his diaper bag. I told YHWH I wasn't going anywhere until he told me what he wanted from me. At this point I had not slept for 48 hours and I was breast feeding. My husband was furious. He accused me of having some weird affair with the Hebrew roots fella and his wife. He thought I was in a "cult". I just sat and held my baby and waited. I wanted to know if my husband who claimed the once saved always saved was in the truth. That entire day I was out there he ranted and raved and was angry and afraid he never once offered me even a cup of water Nicaragua is hot btw.

He brought my bible to me and told me to read Peter I believe and took my son it was about 3pm by then. At this point I was having strange delusions it was bizarre. I read the bible but when I read I saw a vision of Jesus as much of modern day Christianity describes him today, being the figure. But all the words he was saying were lies and it was distressing. I remember just saying God show me what you want me to do what do you want from me? You want everything? You can have everything. Next thing I knew I was in my small room it was 6 pm at night when I got up from the bench and began working. Going through the last of the few possessions I had since coming to nicaragua.

I was sorting through everything, removing everything music, art, jewelry, symbols, mixed fabric literally anything that was not 100% went. I was carrying it outside of our house like I was driven.

By this time my husband was freaking out. He was scared and didn't know what I was doing. I told him I was getting ride of everything I didn't need. He asked me what I was going to do with it, I said I was going to burn it. My mother in law is devout Catholic and had a giant Mary statue in the house on the wall in the main room I remember telling my husband when I was through with my room that was was going to remove the Mary too.

First my husband Luis physically picked me up and threw me out of the house. I remember saying to him??doesnt it bother you? If you are a saved man with a new heart if you are born again, how can you pick me up and physically throw me out of the house with one shoe on after sunset on a Saturday night? What am I a white non Spanish speaking woman with one shoe, no money , no passport going to do in the middle of nowhere nicaragua? How can you say you love me and treat me your own wife like that? Isn't your new heart suppose to love? Don't you see the problem with this belief? Don't you want to be changed? I re entered the house and continued my work.

Luis Got scared and called the local "mission group Christians" I remember them coming to the house and trying to stop me. I am sure I wasn't right but I felt spiritually heightened. The more I sought to purge my life of everything that I didn't need the more I was removing. The missionaries came and stood in my doorway attempting to trap me. I remember just giving them scripture after scripture it was just coming out of my mouth it was not my words. These were people that lived in my small rural community one 2 properties away. Spoke English and this was the first time they were ever at my house I had been in the village 8 months, now they cared about me and wanted to help me. I am not even entirely sure what was said but eventually they moved out of my way and the next thing I know 3/4 of them were emptying my room with me. I no longer was even going through things and when they arrived they started taking things out I intended to keep. They kept trying to get me to stop, I just wanted them to leave. I remember a couple key things from that night. One was they kept telling me they loved me and my baby needed me. I told them my baby needed me to get right with God and I said if you love me feed my baby, help him(he did eat some food at that time) . They said don't burn your things. I said if my "things" are important to you you can have them. Take them if that is what you are concerned about. In my mind I was becoming desperate. The more they tried to convince me to stop God loves me my baby needs me, the more I said please if you love us just feed him and take him I need to go through whatever this is right now, I am ok but my son does need some help and I can't give it to him right now. No one would go to my son. Not my husband, not the missionaries. My mother in law held and comforted him but would not feed him, I had a strange realization on a deep level that all these people that said they loved him would let him die, spiritually speaking no one really cared about feeding him. I wanted to feed him but with real food that would sustain him. I saw in this moment that no one really loves, that's how I perceived it. At one point I became so distraught and broken hearted I remember yelling out in some kind of intense stated my baby is going to die and no body cares, but in that moment I said that I felt afraid like for a second I lost hope. I felt like Peter sinking in the water and like vultures the Christians surrounded me, laid their hands on me and forced me down and started praying on me. I felt like a spider caught in a web. I had lost faith and gave the devil room, I struggled and Said let me go, take your hands off of me, you don't have authority over me to do this. This is not biblical what you are doing, this is not Gods way this is not love, I just remember them saying we do have authority and I realized without faith they did.

I went to bed that night. I don't remember sleeping. The next morning I was more,...well less intense. The chritians had taken all my belongings to their mission camp.

I went with my husband to get it back. They were wanting to be helpful by helping me go through it and reorganize. Their was enough stuff to fill the back of a small pick up.

I think 3 women came to our house. 2 American and 1 Nicaraguan. They were praying over everything. I felt like a really strange spiritual heightening. Like I could perceive their spirits. I could tell they wanted to be sincere but I felt like it was phony. I don't know what was going on with me, but I felt like I could hear Gods voice almost like helping me see what was going on in the room in a spiritual level rather that just what I could see with my eyes. I was happy I didn't burn all my belongings, but I did want to go through things. There was stuff everywhere. My mother in law worried that these ladies were trying to take advantage of my "fragile" state so she was not happy about me giving away things to the community even old clothes my son had outgrown. There was confusion and a mess in the house. I remember perceiving if these people were of God this spirit of confusion would not be present in the house.

First I sat with my husband. He had contacted the Hebrew roots group and told them they had ruined his marriage and to never talk to me again. I told him I was sorry for scaring him but I was ok.

Then I went into the house and talked to the women I said ok, I will go through my things and make 3 piles. 1 to keep, 1 to destroy and 1 to give away. The pile I put to destroy is mine, these are my things. If I put it in the pile, I do not want it leaving this property. Once I have cleaned my house I will personally burn it. These are thing I don't want another having, if I am getting rid of it it is because it is material I find to be false or misleading or spiritual and I don't want anyone else to get ahold of it, for example I had a painting from a Native American acquaintance that was full of different spirit images and I didn't want it anywhere.

Next I said out of respect to my mother in law as this is her home, anything I put in the give away pile she gets to inspect and decide if she or any family member needs it. If not, you can have it to give to anyone in the community who needs it.

Finally after much confusion their was a plan and we all agreed it was ok. I remember the Nica Christian was upset because I had put a bunch of Spanish bible tracts into the burn pile, I know she wanted them, I didn't feel right giving them out, I did not want anyone deceived on my behalf.

Anyways my mother in law came out then with lunch and served everyone. We ate and I don't know or remember how things went sideways again. But I remember sitting in my chair and the 3 women surrounded me one said she was a spiritual warrior trained in warfare. They wanted to exercise me.

At first I thought they were nuts, but then one wanted to know who the spirit was inside of me and by what authority he came. I don't know what happened but I was overcome by a spirit. He said his name was Yeshua Hamashiac and he said he was a self righteous spirit and he told the truth. They were asking by questions and my body physically was out of my control, my head was bowing low and my arm was pointing up with my finger to heaven, so much that it actually hurt, he said he came into me at the Thursday baptism. The ladies wanted me to rebuke the spirit in the name if Jesus because nothing they did was working they said I needed to. But I said I didn't want to rebuke a spirit to receive their Jesus I didn't know what to do I was literally stuck with these women surrounding me again like vultures. I said to them you ladies don't understand you have no authority to do what you are doing, and I felt scared and stuck and confused. I just cried out to the father and asked him to release me to help me in the name of his son Yeshua Hamashiac.at that instant I was released and I got up and left the room. I remember going into my mother in laws bedroom.

I ran to her and she had my son. I remember thanking her and Felt such gratitude to her for loving my son and watching him through this. She speaks only Spanish and I only speak English, and I felt like she was understanding me, I told her be careful, the missionaries want me to receive a false spirit, I told her not to be afraid and not to receive what they were doing as Gods truth. It was so weird, while I was talking to her I was crying and happy and she was crying and happy and I asked her if she understood me and she said yes. But right then my husband walked in the room he was suspicious and brooding and as soon as my mother in law saw him, it was like she shrank back, cowered and no longer could understand me. I didn't catch it right away but after he left and re entered the room a couple times I perceived his presence caused her to look worried and afraid and no longer understand me...then I wasn't sure if I was delusional. I remember laying on the bed nursing my son and singing I have a river of life flowing out of me as loud as I could. My husband had come in the room at this point and laid beside me and I sensed strong oppression. So I just closed my eyes and sang.

I had a bunch of visions at this time like of God giving me a glimpse of his plan, I don't really understand but at he time I perceived that his master plan was to save everyone, all knees would bow, and that even the devil had his part I remember even having the thought that He wanted to humble Lucifer and bring him to repentance, that was how far his love extended. I didn't know if these visions were from him or Satan or just some messed up delusion. At this point it was now nearing Sunday night and I still had not slept since Thursday morning.

I remember rocking my son and nursing him and I was begging God to come to show himself to me to let me know if I was his or if I was totally deceived and nutz.

I told him he could have everything, I would not hold anything back I was not saying this out loud but conversing in my heart. Right after I said this to him, my mother in law came over to me, took my son out of my arms and said she was taking him away from the house to the city. She was afraid of what was happening with me and I think she was sure I was delusional.

I let her take my son. I said in my heart ok, I trust you with my son, he is yours, I love him but you can have him( I had to sing a couple praise songs at this time to encourage myself)

Once my mother in law left with my nursing son who had never had a bottle to the city. I asked God what must I do to see your face. He said you have to die. I said God you can everything, I have nothing that is not yours, is this you is my husband coming to see me now?

I don't remember what happened next but I was in my bathroom in my shower probably my husband Luis had asked me to shower likely I hadn't for days.

I was wrestling in the shower in my mind trying to figure out who I was speaking to was it my creator or was it the deceiver. I was willing to do anything to know him to see him. As I was wrestling in my mind and praying God would help me trying to understand what he meant, I remember him saying you need to die, I said I I am willing I will die I will give you my last breath, I was on my hands and knees in the shower holding my breath, so long I actually chocked and deficated (sorry so graphic)! I actually surprised myself I could hold my own breath that long. I remember thinking He loves me, he is my father, he is my husband he died for me, he doesn't want to hurt me, he definitely doesn't want me to kill myself any spirit telling me I need to is not from him, so I rebuked that spirit in his name.

Here I was naked prostrate on the floor of my shower.

My husband came in the bathroom, I remember walking out of the shower and he said get a towel you are naked, I remember saying no I am clothed and clean, I was saying something about the whole world is upside down light is dark and dark is light and everything is backwards, somehow I became convinced if I just turned off the light in the bedroom, Luis would be able to see. So I went to turn off the light. He was scared and tried to stop me. I Was 145lbs he was 300lbs and I was desperate to get to the light to turn it off so he could see the truth, for whatever reason he got really scared and tried to stop me. I was so desperate for him to see the truth he could not hold me, he actually punched me in the stomach to stop me, and I remember looking into his eyes and saying luis how can you say what you have in your heart is love when you punched me? I am your wife? He then exited the room and locked me in. I know I tried to get out through a window but was stuck. The neighbors were standing around we are out in a rural fishing village so any commotion is obvious.

I was naked at my window that was boarded shut.

I don't remember what happened next but I was on the bed naked with my eyes closed and my husband was in the room and so were the missionary girls.

I remember hearing a voice in my heart be still and know that I am God so I just kept my eyes closed. My blood pressure was 80/20. Luis took me to the hospital in the city.

This whole situation continued. They gave me high doses of drugs that were suppose to put me to sleep but they did not work at all. I started feeling paranoid though. I wanted my son. I was upset it was late Sunday night. At one point I heard a baby crying in the hospital nursery and I thought it was my baby. I walked to the room and their was a glass blind window and I tried to open it, my husband pulled my hand away and the glass broke and severed the top off of 2 of my fingers. Next I was strapped down.

I still could not sleep. I begged my husband to just read scripture to me. He finally agreed and read John to me.

The next morning my husband and his brother drove me to the capital city and to the best hospital in the country. Miraculously I had purchased insurance in Canada and it expired the day after I was admitted to the hospital so everything was covered.

I was given reconstructive surgery on my fingers. I woke up and it was Wednesday. I had had an MRI and had slept finally by about Monday morning, 96+ hours with no sleep at all. The doctors put me on an anti psychotic drug. The result was that I wAs not able to keep breastfeeding my baby.

My father flew in from Canada and arrived the Thursday. I was released from the hospital but had to see a psychiatrist with my dad and husband present. I was lucid and heavily drugged and was quite upset about being put on the drug as I felt better after having finally had sleep. The psychiatrist didn't know what to make of it?, post partum psychosis? Or depression or what because he said it was so unusual the onset and then it was gone as quickly as it came, he said he had no current problem with my thoughts and figured I just needed a mental reset as something in my brain would not let me sleep triggering everything else.

The men dad, husband and Doctor made me promise not to go off of the drug I had been put on. Apparently I had to ween off of it. It was terrible.

We spent the a week with my dad on the beach and then when he left we my husband myself and our now weened 10month old to our home. 2 weeks had passed.

All my things were stored in a room in the house now was the momentous task of sorting my stuff and putting it away. And trying to make sense of what happened? Was it merely a hormonal pregnancy related sleep deprivation delusion? Was it an attack from the enemy? Was it God?! And now my judgement was clouded and I could not think straight with the heavy drugs. I finally got everything sorted and realized the small burn pile I had made the two weeks prior were gone. Not only that but my prayer shall, my shofar horn, tzitzits, DVDs and music all study materials and notes even a small pouch I had kept containing a vile of Frankincense, myrrh and a gold ring I had kept to give to Yeshua when I get to meet him was gone all of it. The Christians had gone through all of my belongings with my husbands consent and taken and destroyed all that they though was no good for me.

My husband confessed right away and apologized and said he was so scared and didn't know what to do. When I asked the women they first told me I told them they could, then they said I didn't do it, then the one said she was doing the holy spirits work, I said by stealing and destroying my things? That doesn't worry you that your Holy Spirit leads you to steal and destroy what isn't yours !?

Anyways it was then that I committed to seek God out and let him Tare down and rebuild. I decided that I needed to stop being half hearted about obedience I stopped participating in Christmas and Easter ( I had 10 years earlier but got sucked into family gift exchanges and compromised before).

I got serious about food laws and sabbath, and wanted to start to keep the feasts. I want to obey, and I know what the physical doesn't save me but I pray the Yeshua uses the physical symbols to open my eyes to the spiritual significance.

It was really hard at first. My husband really took a hard stance against anything Hebrew roots ish and I decided to dig in and be way more serious. I ended up pregnant again, we filed my hubbys permanent residency application. I was back in Canada for 8 months solo with my son pregnant working full time and alone. I again found myself backsliding and not using my time wisely.

I returned to nicaragua in March and have been here since then. Caring for my 2 boys. My husband has been very respectful of my position, we don't eat unclean meat. I do not work on the Sabbath and often he rests too, sometimes he works and I have learned to stay silent. I don't celebrate pagan feasts save for a small recognition for our birthdays. I want to incorporate the feasts into our practice but don't know how practically speaking but I think my sons need to learn about Gods patterns. I see what is going on in the world today and I don't know if I am totally deceived or if revelation is playing out and is at hand like right now.

I don't want to get caught up in who is the worse presidential candidate et. While I do keep an eye on those things. I don't see anyone that seems to be walking the walk, one ministry 119ministries.org and Torah family.org that's about it.
I am not a Shepard I feel like I should be doing something for God and I feel like I am so lacking and lost and so easily distracted, I am thankful for a sabbath to look forward to and a tassel to look down on just to remind me to walk his ways until he shows me why and what it's all about. I don't want to lead my sons astray and feel like every direction I have ever been taught is likely wrong and I just want them to have hearts to love and seek God and desire to be his friend.

My heart breaks that after all he has done for me I am still so selfish I want him to save me I don't want to die and it is still about me. I feel like I am his, i want to be his but their is nothing in me that would make me worthy to be his friend.

I am not looking to follow another teacher. But I need some brotherly love some insight. Sorry this is so long. If you are who I hope you are I know it will be okay.

My biggest surprise when I read your testimony today was to see you were from Lethbridge. So am I. Both my sons were born there and I have a job their if we return before June 2017.

Nothing is ever by chance. Hope you are not confused, exasperated or lost by my story, why whole walk and testimony is way longer but I am most uncertain about that whole event 2 years ago.

When you say Yeshua came in the flesh how did you know? What do you mean?

I don't want be a foolish virgin and wait to long to prepare my heart and end up deceived even more or not ready. I want to hear what he is saying. I have a husband who is happy to dwell with me but is basically a non believer. I have 2 babies I spend every spare moment I have daily reading and trying to understand ! I need to know what to ask for ! How does he want me to love him?

Thank you for your time. It is late. Good night and I look forward to hearing from you.

Jennifer Van Egmond Caceres

[Victor Hafichuk]

<https://www.linkedin.com/in/jennifer-va ... s-0665a738>



Hi Jennifer,

Interesting that we're from the same corner of the world here in Lethbridge. So I wonder what the Lord has in mind for you. This I know: if the Lord purposes to bring you into the Kingdom, He will bring us together one way or another.

You're the worst, I'm the worst and we're all the worst. A sinner is a sinner; all sinners need redemption. It is good to be able to know Who our Hope of Salvation is and that Jesus Christ/Yeshua HaMashiach is Lord of all.

“When you say Yeshua came in the flesh how did you know? What do you mean?”

He comes in His people; as He said He would, so He does. Christ in us is our hope of glory.

“I need to know what to ask for ! How does he want me to love him?”

“Likewise the Spirit also helps our infirmities. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered” (Romans 8:26 MKJV).

What do you do now and every day? How do you come into personal fellowship with Him?

“He who has My commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves Me. And he who loves Me shall be loved by My Father, and I will love him and will reveal Myself to him” (John 14:21 MKJV).

“Jesus answered and said to him, If a man loves Me, he will keep My Word. And My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our abode with him” (John 14:23 MKJV).

Don't trust yourself; trust Him:

Proverbs 3:1-8 KJV
(1) My son, forget not My Law; but let thine heart keep My Commandments:
(2) For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee.
(3) Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart:
(4) So shalt thou find favor and good understanding in the sight of God and man.
(5) Trust in the LORD with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.
(6) In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.
(7) Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.
(8) It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Seek the Lord and don't stop, Jennifer:

Romans 10:6-13 MKJV
(6) But the righteousness of faith says this: "Do not say in your heart, Who shall ascend into Heaven?" that is, to bring Christ down;
(7) or "Who shall descend into the deep?"; that is, to bring up Christ again from the dead.
(8) But what does it say? "The Word is near you, even in your mouth and in your heart"; that is, the Word of Faith which we proclaim;
(9) Because if you confess the Lord Jesus, and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you shall be saved.
(10) For with the heart, one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth one confesses unto salvation.
(11) For the Scripture says, "Everyone believing on Him shall not be put to shame."
(12) For there is no difference both of Jew and of Greek, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call on Him.
(13) For everyone, "whoever shall call on the name of the Lord will be saved."

Yeshua HaMashiach is THE Answer to all things - all questions, all problems, all glory. Read at our site, and if you wish, register on our Forum and join our internet chat room meetings on the Sabbath and Bible readings during the week. Ronnie will send you the appropriate links on how to attend, once you register on the Forum.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord!

Victor